Double Date
by cresselia8themoon
Summary: When Perry and Heinz go out for dinner, they strike up a chat with certain pistachio protectors. Well, one of them anyway. The other is a jerk.


_A PnF/MML crossover. Oneshot. Read this on a full stomach. I'm kind of craving seafood now…._

* * *

Perry was starting to wish he'd gone with a simple Chinese buffet per Heinz's original suggestion. But nope.

He'd wanted a special dinner at an expensive seafood restaurant as a "congratulations, you aren't evil anymore and we can finally have a night out without OWCA calling it a fraternization". And he'd heard this place had excellent calamari. He couldn't help it.

Some platypi just required a more sophisticated palette.

He'd saved up his salary for months (completely denying that he'd planned almost as extensively as Heinz once did for his schemes), scoured the Flynn-Fletcher and Doofenshmirtz couches for pocket change, and put in a reservation three weeks ago.

In short, they'd both been looking forward to this night.

Then they found out that the restaurant lost their reservation.

"What do you mean you can't find it? Perry the Platypus booked it way ahead of time!" Heinz complained. "And believe me, I've seen him eat more than his weight in crab cakes before. Is it because he's a platypus? Because I can tell you that he acts more like a tiny human. If humans had cute little webbed feet or tails, that is."

Perry tugged on Heinz's pant leg as he argued with the staff, silently pleading with him to not cause a scene. It was fine. They'd both live. Besides, it's not like this was the only restaurant in the city. But his stomach was craving calamari, and he couldn't help but chatter sadly.

Heinz glanced down, ruffling Perry's fedora. "Come on, don't give me that pouty beak look. That one. You know I can't stand it." Perry stifled a smile with his hand.

"Party of four, Murphy!" a waitress called. "Your table is ready!"

A family of four stood up from the waiting area, a chair collapsing as soon as the youngest pulled on his backpack. Perry wondered why anyone would need a heavy looking backpack inside a restaurant. Maybe he had a late day at school. "Whoops, sorry about that," the father said. "There's not gonna be an extra charge, right?"

"No, these chairs are easily replaceable. Don't worry about it," a staff member said. He turned his attention to Heinz and Perry. "Excuse me, sirs. It seems there was a glitch in the system for some reason. Now that it's gone, a reservation for Perry popped up."

"Yes, that's us!" Heinz exclaimed, grinning at Perry. "And you were so worried there!"

Perry smiled up at him. So was he.

"I deeply apologize for the inconvenience. Nadia will show you to your seats," he turned them over to a rather short woman. As she led them to their seats, Perry saw movement out the corner of his eye. There was a white tablecloth moving from underneath the long table. The restaurant patrons continued to talk, completely oblivious to it.

It continued to edge towards the back of the restaurant, where the Murphy family was seated. Perry spotted four stubby legs and a tail poking out from underneath. Well, a quadruped making its way across a restaurant would never top Perry's list of strangest things he'd ever seen.

Their table was set up between two chairs and a long couch that extended against the wall. Perry and Heinz made themselves comfy on the couch, though Perry's bill hovered slightly over the table. Nadia promised their server would be out soon and left to take care of other customers, leaving behind two menus.

"When the server comes out, I'll ask for a booster seat," Heinz said, twirling a coaster in his hand. "I don't think anyone could possibly eat comfortably if they were in your position right now. But man am I glad that situation cleared up so quickly. I swear I was about to have an evil relapse back there. Can you get evil relapses? I mean, not you obviously. Unless someone hit you with something that made you evil. But otherwise, you don't have the capabilities to be evil. Mean, maybe. Reserved, definitely. But not evil."

Perry pointed to the calamari under the appetizer section. "Any chance you picked this restaurant because you wanted calamari?" Heinz smirked. Perry rolled his eyes and made a so-so gesture. "I knew it. And you won't steal the entire dish? This is just the appetizer after all." He raised an eyebrow. "That's a maybe, isn't it? You're a good guy, Perry the Platypus. I thought you practically lived under sharing is caring!"

In Perry's opinion, sharing is caring did not apply to food.

"Hello, my name is Henry and I'll be your server this evening," a young man said. "How may I get you gentlemen started?"

"Never pegged you for a gentlepus," Heinz leaned down to whisper. Perry shoved his face away playfully. Heinz actually being a gentleman. That'd be the day. "Can we get two iced teas, both with lemon, a booster seat, and the calamari appetizer please?"

Henry jotted the order down on a notepad. "Two iced teas with lemons, a booster seat, and calamari. All right, I'll have those ready for you. Please take all the time you need to find an entree."

He brought out the booster seat in less than three minutes. Perry took out a cushion stored in his fedora and laid it on the seat, smoothing it out before plopping down. "My fedora didn't come with secret compartments," Heinz pouted. "I'm half-expecting you to pull medieval weaponry at some point. Wait. Medieval. Evil. Medieval. Course now that I've actually given up evil that I actually find a rhyme for it. Do you think OWCA would mind if I finished composing the rest of the jingle?"

Perry shrugged, his attention being on a pair of strange looking men. The one with a mustache to rival Major Monogram's grumbled the entire way. He was dressed in an incredibly formal green outfit about two centuries too early. He stopped and stared toward the back of the restaurant, his fists shorter one seemed to notice and pulled him into the couch a space away from Heinz and Perry.

"If that guy and Monobrow entered a mustache competition, who do you think would win?" Heinz asked. Perry raised a finger above his eyes. "Yeah, the unibrow would probably add a few bonus points."

There was a loud crash from the back, and all chatter ceased as everyone watched a girl about Candace's age standing protectively in front of her brother, blocking him from the remains of a light fixture. She turned and murmured a few quick words, the boy laughing and shrugging it off. The parents made sure they were all right before taking their seats and continuing on as if nothing had ever happened.

Perry was just glad the kid was all right.

"You get the impression that's normal for them?" Heinz wondered. Before they could speculate more on the matter, Henry brought the calamari.

"Are you ready to order?" Henry asked with a smile.

Perry tapped the shrimp and crab combo on the menu with a chatter. "Sorry, he doesn't talk. He's a platypus," Heinz said. Perry made a few more gestures, which Heinz interpreted for Henry. "He wants a side of green beans and mashed potatoes. And I'd like the rainbow trout with corn and rice."

Henry nodded and gathered their menus. "Not an issue. We're used to animals with fedoras eating here anyway, but most of the time it can be a challenge to actually interpret what they want. No matter. In the meantime, enjoy your calamari!"

Perry immediately claimed the marinara sauce, which earned him a scowl from Heinz. "I won't double dip this time, I promise!"

"Hey, does that calamari taste as good as it looks?" the man next to them called. "Oh, sorry. Name's Vinnie Dakota, by the way. There I go shooting my mouth off again."

"Nah, I feel you," Heinz grinned. "And yes, the calamari is pretty good. It would taste better if a certain somebody would quit hogging the sauce."

He glared at Perry, who shrugged innocently and scooted the small bowl of marinara away from his companion. Vinnie laughed. "So you're a platypus. This is really cool actually. All the other ones I've seen around here don't do much."

Heinz bit into a piece of calamari. Perry winced at his decision to do introductions with a full mouth. "This is Perry the Platypus by the way. He's my best friend. And I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz."

The other man scoffed and looked away, leaning on the table with an elbow.

Vinnie shot his companion a reproachful look. "Don't be rude. We just met them. I'm really sorry about him. That sourpuss there is Balthy-"

"Balthazar Cavendish," he grumbled. "Pleasure."

"You'll have to excuse him. Stressful job," Vinnie said. "We're in the same field."

"So where do you work then?" Heinz asked.

"Pistachio plant."

"Food truck company."

Balthazar and Vinnie glanced at each frantically, before correcting themselves. "We drive food trucks from pistachio plants. You know, high demand and all. You'd be surprised how many people like pistachios," Vinnie said.

Perry could tell they were lying, but he wasn't sure why. But he could understand it, since he and Heinz couldn't exactly tell random people they were secret agents who fought evil scientists on a daily basis.

"We're agents who-" Perry threw a piece of calamari at Heinz's face to shut him up, quickly motioning for him to make up a lie. "Um, I mean, we're agents for a modeling business." To Perry, he whispered, "See? I didn't give anything away! And I'm getting payback for that piece you threw at me, just you wait."

Perry buried his head in his arms. A modeling business was really the best he could come up with. A modeling business.

"Hey, you wanna sit over here?" Heinz asked. "There's plenty of room. It would be easier to hold a conversation if we didn't have to speak over a platypus in a booster seat. You don't mind, Perry the Platypus?"

Perry shook his head. It would be good for Heinz to hold a conversation with another adult without the glowers, sarcasm, or promises of revenge.

Vinnie sat across from Heinz, and Perry tipped his hat to him. "If I had a hat, I'd tip it right back to you. Fedoras really aren't my style. I'm thinking a top hat so I could match Balthy, but that would likely be a terrible combo with a track suit," he said, wrapping an arm around Balthazar's shoulders when he finally joined them.

He tuned out of the conversation as Vinnie and Heinz rapidly switched from discussing hats, food, and music. As they compared the Lumberzacks to the Phineas and the Ferbtones, Perry watched Balthazar sneak glances to the family in the back, clearly waiting for something to happen.

Perry wondered why he was interested in them. Apart from the occasional accidents that occurred around the boy, they seemed like a normal family. When Balthazar excused himself to the restroom, telling Vinnie to order for him, Perry noticed a small cell phone-like device sticking out of his back pocket.

But cell phones usually didn't have a miniature satellite on an antenna.

He shook it off. Maybe Balthazar was an inventor. Perry couldn't help but be a little suspicious.

"Perry the Platypus, hey, Perry the Platypus," Heinz singsonged, poking him in the side with an index finger. Perry let out a throaty growl at being jabbed, snapping at the offending finger, only for his bill to close on empty air. Heinz clutched his finger protectively. "I only wanted to know your favorite Love Handel song."

Vinnie laughed. "Balthy acts the same way sometimes, only a little more uptight. And he says biting people is uncouth, but he probably only means that literally. At least yours doesn't threaten to strangle random things with teabag strings."

Henry came around again, bringing out Heinz and Perry's orders on a large serving dish. As Vinnie ordered two salmon dishes, Perry pushed an entire shrimp into his mouth, spitting out the now-meatless tail back onto his plate.

Heinz wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Table manners always go out the window when there's shrimp involved. Ugh." Perry smirked at him. "If you make me lose my appetite while we're here, that's an extra dish you're paying for."

"You haven't seen me around Mexican food," Vinnie chuckled. "There's a reason Balthy always vetoes burritos when I bring it up."

Heinz voiced the question Perry had also been thinking. "So why do you work with him if he's so disagreeable? Reminds me of this guy we work with. If he was British. And wore outdated clothes."

Before Vinnie could reply, Balthazar came back from the restroom. "Did you order already?" he asked.

"I played it safe and ordered salmon for both of us," Vinnie replied.

"Good," Balthazar said, not noticing the others sneak glances as they tried to find another topic. Finally, Perry offered them the rest of the calamari. There were only a few pieces left, but it would be enough to hold them over until their food arrived. Vinnie accepted, thanking Perry with a full mouth. Balthazar grimaced at Vinnie spraying crumbs all over the table, using a cloth to wipe it off. "I suppose he isn't letting go of that marinara sauce."

In response, Perry moved his mashed potatoes over and dumped the rest of the marinara sauce on his plate, sliding the tiny bowl over with a flick of his wrist. "Okay, even I'll admit that was kind of rude," Heinz said.

"It's okay, there's still a little left in here," Vinnie said, dipping a half-eaten piece in the bowl. Then he offered it to Balthazar, who gingerly set it on the table.

"You double-dipped," Balthazar said. "Forget it."

"I didn't double-dip," Vinnie held up his hands defensively. "I only dipped it once. Double dipping is when you dip twice. Therefore, I did not double-dip."

Perry and Heinz ignored their argument, eating peacefully until there the couch vibrated slightly as something repeatedly bumped it.. "Perry the Platypus, stop it," Heinz warned.

Perry set his fork down and shrugged, holding out his arms in confusion. There were several more soft thuds.

"Well something's bumping my leg, and don't think I haven't seen you practicing that weird telekinetic thing with your fingers," Heinz retorted.

Perry rubbed his bill with one hand in exasperation, then pointed down. It wasn't his fault he accidentally discovered that pretending to use the Force actually tricked Norm. Heinz reached underneath the table and brought out a lumpy tablecloth. Perry grabbed the edge and yanked, revealing a tan dog with brown spots.

"Do you know this dog, Perry the Platypus?" Heinz asked. Perry shook his head. "He doesn't look like one of our little friends. No, don't eat our food! This stuff isn't cheap, you know!" He moved the plates to the center of the table to prevent the canine from scarfing down the food, then set him on the seat. Perry sternly gave him a stay command. The dog huffed but flopped down obediently.

Balthazar glanced at the dog, rubbing his chin in thought. "That mutt looks familiar somehow."

"Diogee!" a voice cried. "You're not supposed to be at a seafood restaurant. Go home!" The boy from earlier ran up to their table with his arms wide open, and Diogee took a flying leap into them, knocking them both over. His body was slightly suspended in the air due to his backpack, and he laughed at all the licks he was receiving.

Finally, he stood up and dusted a few crumbs off his sweater vest. "Sorry about Diogee. He gets out a lot."

Heinz waved off the apology. "Don't worry about it, kid. Your dog is pretty adorable when he's not trying to eat our food."

"Thanks!" Milo grinned. Perry smiled back, reaching across the table for his plate so he could start eating again. "Oh, I recognize you two! I haven't seen you since the day with that runaway fire truck! How are you?"

"Milo Murphy, right?" Vinnie said, shaking his hand and completely ignoring Balthazar's indignant gasp. "Small world, I guess."

Milo laughed. "Tell me about it. And is that an actual platypus? I have pajamas that look almost like you! Minus the fedora, which by the way looks really awesome!"

Perry tipped his fedora to Milo, slightly blushing from the compliment. They made platypus pajamas? He'd have to look into that. It would certainly be a nice gift idea.

Balthazar coughed to get their attention. "So we meet again, Milo Murphy. If that is your real name-"

Milo scratched the back of his neck. "Well, I was almost named Mikey at some point, but my mom didn't want my name to sound like candy."

"That's not my point," Balthazar scoffed. "Tell me the purpose of your mission, counteragent."

"Counteragent?" Heinz cracked up. "How can this kid be an agent? He doesn't have a hat!" Perry made a zipping motion with his fingers so Heinz didn't reveal vital information. Were they at a different OWCA branch? He'd never seen files on them before.

Balthazar glared at him. "You don't need a hat to be an agent!"

"But you're wearing a hat," Vinnie pointed out. "Even if it does attract a lot of weird stares."

"Agent?" Milo asked. "Um, Sara and I often pretended we were time travel agents but…."

"There, you see?" Balthazar barked to Vinnie. "So he's involved with time travel in some way! I knew it!"

Heinz reclined against the back of the couch, listening as Vinnie tried to clarify that there was a difference between pretending to be an agent and actually being an agent. "I know I could be kind of unreasonable-" Perry gave him a sideways glance. "-very unreasonable during schemes-but geez, what does this guy have against one kid? He's crazy."

Perry had to admit, it was pretty tempting to give Balthazar a good kick to the shin. If it was Phineas or Ferb that Balthazar had been attempting to interrogate, he would definitely not be showing so much restraint.

All talk ceased as everyone turned to stare at the odd scene at their table. Even Heinz fell silent. He really didn't want to get involved. The parents of the boy were too busy figuring out their check that they hadn't noticed their daughter had joined in the argument.

Milo hugged Diogee, looking slightly apprehensive at the attention. "Sara, you don't need to get involved. It's fine."

Sara placed her hands on her hips, scowling. "It's not fine! Back off my brother, you oversized leprechaun. He hasn't done anything!"

"Balthy, I think we'd better go," Vinnie warned.

"Not yet. All I want to know is who you're working for," Balthazar growled.

Milo's eyes flickered between Sara and Balthazar. "I'm not working for anyone."

"So a lone wolf then," Balthazar murmured. "Very well. Dakota, we're leaving."

Without another word, he turned and exited the restaurant. Perry released the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. For all of Balthazar's blunder and rashness, even he wasn't stupid enough to push the matter further in such a crowded public area.

"Right behind you. Hey, so change of plans. Can I get that to go?" Vinnie asked a dumbfounded waiter, who had been staring awkwardly at the salmon he brought out during the exchange. As the waiter boxed the food, Vinnie shook hands with Milo. "Sorry about my partner. I'll have to talk to him later about this."

"I still don't know what that was about," Sara sighed. "We're packing up now. See you later."

"It was nice to meet you!" Milo said. "Bye!"

As the family passed by the front podium, the lobster tank by the entrance burst open and left a woman screaming about the water ruining her expensive shoes.

Vinnie shook hands with Heinz and Perry. "I never did give you an answer to your question, did I? I just don't think anyone should be alone. We don't exactly have the best living conditions, but sometimes a good thing can wander by our pistachio stand. Well, see you later!"

He politely thanked the waiter for boxing the food, then hurriedly took off after Balthazar.

Heinz signaled the waiter for a check. "He's way too nice for his own good."

Perry chattered in agreement. If only all partners could be as good a communicator as Heinz.


End file.
